Very strange occurence, I went back to my place after writting my last entry and found that Tamara was drinking beer with the money I had given her and I had given it to her because she was becoming grouchy because she didn’t have it. I felt sorry for her and I liked her and I wanted to stay with her but what I had told her before had become true already. I explained to her that I thought that every beer can should have written as a caution on it; “Warning: Causes Irresponsibility!”
When I had left she said she was going to clean the dishes that it should take her like 10 minutes. I hadn’t asked her to do this but she simply said that she would to contribute to what we were committing to do together, present Zion Station as a legitimate spiritually sublime environment where members of it could fellowship and submit to the bringing about or making of New Jerusalem.
To accomplish such a feet of grandeur for God I realized as I came in the door and heard the words that came out of this women would not be easily met for I had come home and was questioned as to what took so long instead of welcoming me back and then when I looked to her condition I found that she didn’t accomplish anything in the kitchen or anywhere in the house but had been told her great discovery that she had been able to get four beers and a pack of ciggerates (which I had to roll for her) for the amount I had given her. So, I guess I was suppose to be happy she got a good deal but there was something wrong with all of this and I would be a liar if I didn’t tell her what it was doing to my view of our commitment to Zion Station. I mean, how could someone that doesn’t respect their own body and mental condition help God in upholding the glory of His Kingdom if your not in condition.
I, told her then and there, to nip it in the bud as I had already once before done and said aloud that I would not support her addictions and while I was saying it I was rolling her a cigarrette and seeing her drinking the beer I had given her money in pity for her mental condition; not knowing how to approach her with the motivating force which has kept me from alcoholism.
She started crying.
I talked some more hoping to reach her and to explain that I am on a mission and that I would like her to be my companion but that those actions that do not glorify God are not invited to journey the forte of communication in which Zion Station, is by it’s creation, able to exist.
She said to shut-up! That she was trying to read the Bible which I had given her and it made me made that she did because the only reason I was talking was because she was crying and I was hoping to help her. So, I said fine.. look in the Bible and in that I hope you find what you see in front of you, thats the written Bible but here I am alive and you don’t want to hear a thing from me.
But if you choose Alcohol over being with me then here I will open the door for you to leave because I can’t have a fight in my own life keeping me from what God’s plan for me is. Though I loved you last night, I must remind you that what we did is forever in our memory and that center to which I brought you is not something I give to just anyone but to the one God has chosen. And by what you are saying, your alcohol is better so, I’m sorry I by your disease am smitten. My tears will be when you leave but until you recognize that you are choosing sin rather then me as a man, you must from me take leave. But, yes.. please take that Bible which I have given and I pray that you read it and if you stop drinking please feel free to come in, my bride must be manifested for this is the end; my dream.
I think that maybe if I was loud and angry that you might think me more masculine and stay out of fear long enough that I may teach you that you deserve to be loved by Jesus even as He is a man. But to choose what portrays closeness to violence even to the point of possibly taken by rage of this weak flesh would not portray God’s loving nature as He is in deification of the mind that has been put in me.
I should not have to give in to sin to openly accept the Gift that God has for me predestinated, whether it be my bride or being in New Jerusalem alive, I will not disagree with God in it’s making. But neither shall I submit to suffering more for what I died to sin for, mocking God in His son’s salvation. For once I died on the cross with God and now I am here to finish, the ways of God and the ways of man to unravel all that God and man understand to show the path and the making of it to those who find the Jumpin Jesus Phenonema and fully submit themselves to Zion Station by it.
So, yes . . . The temple which fell into my life to dwell for even but a moment I found her pity and let go of it, but on the altar of my soul I gave her all I own and it was not enough for her to let of that alcohol and ciggerette and so out the door she chose and went. She cried saying I used her sexually and what a blasphemy for here I had not been with anyone for 9 years in that way. And now by her choice of alcohol she has given up what I allowed her to endow her life with and destroyed it.
Anyways… enough about her.. she left and wherever she is I pray that God fullfills His will in her.
I have realized that it’s not the temple that counts it’s the allowance of that temple to allow my bride to be manifested in that temple as one fully submitted to the Love of God that I have knowing that God will not bring no wrong into existance by His living thru me. It’s not that I ask for this to occur but that if it were to occur it would not be by my seeking for it. However, if God is seeking then God knows that it will only happen if it’s in His reaches she is brought into the joy and seeking which Jesus in me is preaching into existance. I can’t but wait for it.